December 31, 2010

  • I almost made it...almost. But of course, no trip down here is complete without my dad making me want to immediately get in my car and drive straight back to Tallahassee at least once. When he said "I haven't had a chance to talk to you yet", I knew it was coming. Of course it was unavoidable at that point, so I just had to sit (stand) through it and try to make it as short as possible. It actually wasn't as bad as previous "talks" have been, so I guess I'm lucky in that aspect. I think the most irritating thing was that he fussed at me about drying my clothes. Yes, drying my clothes. Apparently I use too much energy to dry my clothes, even though my clothes aren't dry...and I need to think about this. I am so glad now that I only came down here for two weeks, as opposed to the usual four. If not for the weather, I'd say that I'd only come down for one week next year. One thing's for sure, though: now I know to not be down here long enough to need to wash clothes. As a matter of fact, I'll take the other two loads back to Tallahassee and wash them there, where I can run the dryer as long as I want. And to think I was actually going to thank him for staying alive (at a time when I have uncles and friends' fathers dying), but I'll save that now. I obviously don't want him to die or anything, but I refuse to be nice and share such a sentiment with him. The only reason he doesn't drive me crazy is because I'm smart enough to not let him get close enough often enough to do so.

    It's clear that he and I will never have a real relationship, and I've given up hope and refuse to try anymore. My mom has wanted me to try for years, and a few years ago we actually made some sort of progress. After today, I'm through. Just through. I can't take it anymore. There's a reason we can't talk for more than 15 minutes at a time. There's a reason I plain don't like being around him. There's a reason I stay in my room 90% of the time I'm in this house. I know he doesn't understand the severity of the situation, but I can't tell him without him getting upset...and then I'd get upset and it would do more harm than good. That's a big part of the problem: I can't ever remember a time we've talked - especially about us - that ended with both of us feeling better afterward than before. I think he got the message after I brought my wet clothes back in here that I had no further desire to talk to him (he was in the middle of something when I left). I simply refuse to allow stress or unhappiness in my life, no matter where it comes from. Figuratively and literally, I have no time for my father anymore. I just don't.

    Before all that I ran all around Broward County to hopefully find something to use the gift card (guess who got it for me as a Christmas present) on. Finally saw this Sean John suit. It wasn't perfect, but it was certainly doable...except for one thing: there were no pants in my size. I'd already found a coat, so I was fine in that area. I did find that Pembroke Lakes is a great mall. Like the place I'm going tonight, it's a little far but the scenery makes it worth the trip.

    It's funny when I think about how different this entry would have been if I wrote it an hour ago: tomorrow's entry would have been all about my time tonight and the "talk" would have been a footnote. Now that I think about it, I gave more than one hint that I wasn't interested in participating. He hasn't chased after me, which is a little bit of a pleasant surprise. Well, I'll be out for the evening in about four hours and I'll be able to forget all about this. Family will be here tomorrow and I'm leaving Sunday.

    I couldn't care less that he offered to help me buy a place so I could stop paying rent. I don't want anything from him at this point. I just want to be free of him. As far as I'm concerned, he's my mother's husband and as long as he treats her well I'm fine. Me, though? It doesn't matter and it won't matter...because I won't give it a chance to matter.